WHOOOOP!! PMR IS FINALLY OVER!!
Now I can proceed to forget everything I learned over the past three years.
In order to prepare for this idiotic exam, I must have spent like 200 ringgit on books, which are now completely worthless. I can't donate them to poor orphans because they would probably cry and start taking drugs. I can't recycle them because I'm too lazy to bring them to the recycling centre. The sensible thing for me to do is to run them over repeatedly with a large vehicle and set them on fire.
A cash cow is defined as a female bovine that secrets gold coins from its mammary glands. And that is exactly what PMR is! Except that it says "Hisssss" instead of "Moo". These bastards sure make a shitload of money selling 'PMR score' books. How could anybody refuse to buy them? If you fail your PMR, the school will refuse to educate you further and put you in the 'Art Stream', where you will be given ridiculous projects such as 'finger painting' and 'nap time' for the next 2 years. Plus, the books have really neat covers. That's called 'marketing'.
As some old guy once said, you can't actually judge a book by its cover. Some of the nicest-looking ones are the most poorly written, by what I assume is a roomful of chimpanzees with typewriters. The questions have idiotic spelling errors and some don't even have correct answers. And ALL of them have mistakes in the answer key. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
While geniuses like me can easily identify these idiotic errors, some people will immediately assume the answer key is correct, and treat it as a 'legitimate fact' for which they will store in their brain for future use. Then they will get that same question wrong in PMR, because they trusted the chimpanzees. What if that one mistake meant the difference between an A and a B? What if that person gets dumped in the dreaded Art Stream? It's not like you could actually sue the publisher, because YOU were stupid enough to believe them. It's kind of like paying money to eat shit, really.
In order to make sure people buy as many books as possible, the chimps make the questions ridiculously difficult and irrelevant to the point that they don't even make any sense. People who try to answer these questions will panic, think that they are too stupid to get an A, and keep buying more books. Then they will realize that all the books have conflicting facts, creating one gigantic ball of useless information in their heads. The ball will then overload the brain and cause it malfunction. This is where mental retardation comes from. Retarded babies are created when the mother studies and stresses to much, transferring a payload of crap into their tiny, little, undeveloped brains through the umbilical cord. Ironically, this stress comes from all the parenting books they read in order to raise the baby.
This must be a really nice, steady source of income. People will never stop buying these "PMR Score" books, unless they want to branded as 'failures', as the opposite of 'score' is 'fail'. Usually when the words "Guaranteed to score" is written on the book, what they really mean is "Guaranteed to totally rip you off, you stupid sucker. Now dance! Dance you little meat puppet!! BUWAHAHAHAHA!!!".
I wonder how much money the government must be making of this. It might explain why some of the textbooks are so poorly written and lack important information, because people are forced to buy reference books in order to make up for all the shit they're SUPPOSED to learn. The Science textbooks constantly ask the STUDENTS to explain the theories in experiments. What the hell? Now they want US to teach the freaking book? It's not the one taking this stupid exam! It doesn't even have eyeballs or ears! We're supposed to LEARN from the book! And if they think the 'teacher' will explain it to us, they are a bunch of sad, delusional people.
Students are forced to buy heavy big ass reference books at 20 ringgit each just to fill in the gaps. And these books basically just repeat everything that is already in the textbook, but compress into a tiny, incomprehensible mess, and slap the word "PMR" on the cover to get you to buy it. Now I have no idea what to do with them. Maybe I can use them to bludgeon rats to death.
BM paper 1 is the worst subject to study for. Since it's a freaking language, there are a million and one things that they could possible ask. Studying for BM is like trimming the grass of an entire golf course using nothing but your eyelids. Aside from the basic tatabahasa, there is nothing much you can do to prepare yourself. I wished I had known that before blowing off 40 ringgit worth of books. I *thought* I could identify most of the words with multiple meanings by doing model papers. I bought like 8 books, did over a 2000 questions, checking the dictionary for every word I couldn't understand. Then, nothing new I learned was asked during the actual PMR paper. Endless hours of studying, ALL FOR NOTHING!!
And because of all that studying, I couldn't sleep at all before the exam. I was tossing and turning all night and only fell asleep at 4 am. All the words kept flashing in my mind. You'd think this would help me, but after awhile my brain got lazy and started jumbling up the letters, creating unintelligible words that don't even make sense. And my mom refused to let me take sleeping pills, despite my pleas. What's the big deal? People take sleeping pills on TV all the time! Although they ARE usually related to suicide attempts...
But now the suffering is all over, at least until next year. Then, an even larger, more evil form of torture known as 'SPM' will descend upon the student race, bringing about darkness and despair. Cherish your freedom and happiness while you can, because like a bloated carcass under the sun, pretty soon it will be picked clean by the vultures of Hell and you will have nothing left.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Intervention
Do you have any stubborn, obese friends who are on the brink of kicking the bucket? Well, these steps will help you to change their lives for the better. If they are too stupid to control their own lives, it is up to YOU to fix their screw ups and save them from a slow and painful death. No pressure.
Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any deaths, injuries, mental damage, and/or life threatening conditions that may result from improper use of my brilliant patented ideas.
If your friend refuses to stop eating junk food, then you need to sabotage everything he eats until he develops an unnatural fear of snacks. For example, you could replace the cream filling of an oreo with toothpaste. It might possibly kill him, but he's going to die anyway, so it's all cool. To make sure he never eats anymore fried food, replace all his cooking oil with a mixture of pee and cornstarch. He'll never know the difference, until it's too late.
If he thinks he can order pizza, he's dead wrong, because YOU will make sure that delivery never arrives. Monitor all his calls. When he starts making an order, you make your move. Go to the pizza restaurant where the order is being prepared and jam a small steel bar inside the spokes of the delivery bike. When the pizza guy tries to drive off, he'll flip over, do a faceplant and eat a mouthful of asphalt. As he is lying on the ground unconscious, steel the bike, along with the pizza, and drive it off your closest neighbourhood cliff, thus destroying all the evidence.
Then, "drop by" his house with a bowl of salad. He will be starving and have no choice but to eat therevolting pile of crap delicious green nuggets of happiness. After about 8 times, your friend should give up and start ordering from another restaurant. Repeat this over and over again until he completely gives up on food delivery, or at least until you get arrested.
If your friend actually wants to get off his lard-filled ass and drive all the way to a restaurant to eat, this time, make sure HE never arrives. Secretly remove his car tyres to make it look like they were stolen. Put them back when he's not looking. Or, you could siphon out all his gas and replace it with floor detergent. There are endless ways to make sure that car never leaves the driveway. Let your imagination run free! As long as it doesn't involve the words "car bomb" or "napalm".
If you don't have any mechanical know-how, you could go with your friend every time he eats out to make sure he doesn't order anything that will go straight to his thighs. However, that might become a little creepy and gay after awhile, in which case you might have to switch to "stealth ninja mode". Ninjas are NOT gay.
Try hanging around in the restaurant, making sure he doesn't see or recognize you. Fake mustaches and large glasses work exceptionally well. Whenever he orders something fattening, spike his food, making sure nobody catches you. Severed snake heads and rodent excrement work exceptionally well. This way, he will develop a morbid psychological fear of eating out, sue the restaurant millions for "damages", and the Health Department will shut the restaurant down. Plus, the more restaurants you run out of business, the easier it will be to monitor his eating habits. Everyone wins. Except maybe the legions of unemployed workers. But as they say, you can't make an omelette without crushing a few lives.
If you can get your hands on massive amounts of laxatives, rehabilitation will be even easier, and perhaps even enjoyable for those spectating. Get a medical syringe and inject excessive doses of the stuff into every single piece of junk food in his house. Candy bars, potato chips, cookies, ice cream, pies, hot dogs, burgers, you name it. He will be forced to switch to vegetables instead because everything else will give him explosive diarrhea. Try to be around with plenty of friends and a video camera whenever this happens.
Getting your friend to eat greens might become a little difficult, because vegetables naturally taste terrible. Try sprinkling a large amount of nicotine in a salad and give it to him. Overtime, he will become highly addicted to vegetables, constantly eating it to satisfy his addiction despite the disgusting taste. He will have no idea why he craves it so much, but lacks the willpower to stop, forced to forever endure the vile taste of veggies soiling the insides of his mouth. It's BRILLIANT!
If done right, your friend should become thin, healthy and popular! How will it benefit you? Well, not only will you feel good for helping others, you will also earn a once in a lifetime opportunity to be the BFF of a thin, healthy and popular person! If it goes the other way, your friend will either be dead or in a coma, you'll be in prison/bankrupt, and your family will disown you. If that ever happens, YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF ME.
...because I will drop an anvil on your head and you will lose your memory, just like in the cartoons.
Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any deaths, injuries, mental damage, and/or life threatening conditions that may result from improper use of my brilliant patented ideas.
If your friend refuses to stop eating junk food, then you need to sabotage everything he eats until he develops an unnatural fear of snacks. For example, you could replace the cream filling of an oreo with toothpaste. It might possibly kill him, but he's going to die anyway, so it's all cool. To make sure he never eats anymore fried food, replace all his cooking oil with a mixture of pee and cornstarch. He'll never know the difference, until it's too late.
If he thinks he can order pizza, he's dead wrong, because YOU will make sure that delivery never arrives. Monitor all his calls. When he starts making an order, you make your move. Go to the pizza restaurant where the order is being prepared and jam a small steel bar inside the spokes of the delivery bike. When the pizza guy tries to drive off, he'll flip over, do a faceplant and eat a mouthful of asphalt. As he is lying on the ground unconscious, steel the bike, along with the pizza, and drive it off your closest neighbourhood cliff, thus destroying all the evidence.
Then, "drop by" his house with a bowl of salad. He will be starving and have no choice but to eat the
If your friend actually wants to get off his lard-filled ass and drive all the way to a restaurant to eat, this time, make sure HE never arrives. Secretly remove his car tyres to make it look like they were stolen. Put them back when he's not looking. Or, you could siphon out all his gas and replace it with floor detergent. There are endless ways to make sure that car never leaves the driveway. Let your imagination run free! As long as it doesn't involve the words "car bomb" or "napalm".
If you don't have any mechanical know-how, you could go with your friend every time he eats out to make sure he doesn't order anything that will go straight to his thighs. However, that might become a little creepy and gay after awhile, in which case you might have to switch to "stealth ninja mode". Ninjas are NOT gay.
Try hanging around in the restaurant, making sure he doesn't see or recognize you. Fake mustaches and large glasses work exceptionally well. Whenever he orders something fattening, spike his food, making sure nobody catches you. Severed snake heads and rodent excrement work exceptionally well. This way, he will develop a morbid psychological fear of eating out, sue the restaurant millions for "damages", and the Health Department will shut the restaurant down. Plus, the more restaurants you run out of business, the easier it will be to monitor his eating habits. Everyone wins. Except maybe the legions of unemployed workers. But as they say, you can't make an omelette without crushing a few lives.
If you can get your hands on massive amounts of laxatives, rehabilitation will be even easier, and perhaps even enjoyable for those spectating. Get a medical syringe and inject excessive doses of the stuff into every single piece of junk food in his house. Candy bars, potato chips, cookies, ice cream, pies, hot dogs, burgers, you name it. He will be forced to switch to vegetables instead because everything else will give him explosive diarrhea. Try to be around with plenty of friends and a video camera whenever this happens.
Getting your friend to eat greens might become a little difficult, because vegetables naturally taste terrible. Try sprinkling a large amount of nicotine in a salad and give it to him. Overtime, he will become highly addicted to vegetables, constantly eating it to satisfy his addiction despite the disgusting taste. He will have no idea why he craves it so much, but lacks the willpower to stop, forced to forever endure the vile taste of veggies soiling the insides of his mouth. It's BRILLIANT!
If done right, your friend should become thin, healthy and popular! How will it benefit you? Well, not only will you feel good for helping others, you will also earn a once in a lifetime opportunity to be the BFF of a thin, healthy and popular person! If it goes the other way, your friend will either be dead or in a coma, you'll be in prison/bankrupt, and your family will disown you. If that ever happens, YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF ME.
...because I will drop an anvil on your head and you will lose your memory, just like in the cartoons.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Flu flu
Last week, we had our annual so called "July Test". It's like an exam, except smaller and insignificant. It does not count for ANYTHING, there is no result slip, and it's over in like 2 days. It's basically a freaking waste of time and gives stress to the academically challenged, who kill themselves studying before finding out how easy it is. I made a lot of dumb mistakes, but that's only because I was in a hurry to get it done so I can spend the next 20 minutes doodling on my paper.
Now there's some seasonal flu going around, in addition to swine flu. People are dropping like flies, left and right, up and down, in and out, upside down, round and round.
I caught something and got sick on Tuesday after getting home from tuition. I felt fine at first except for a runny nose, then I read the newspaper in the car and got really dizzy. Then I went in to tuition and sat under the air-conditioner at full blast, constantly sneezing and having shit leaking out of my nose. After I got home, I got a fever, felt light-headed, my legs were numb, and I was sneezing and coughing non stop. I couldn't sleep at all and kept tossing and turning for 2 hours until midnight. I couldn't take it anymore so I went downstairs, swallowed a Panadol, got back to bed and immediately fell asleep. Painkillers solve everything.
The next morning I felt better, but then it started raining tigers and wolves. I spent the whole day sneezing and coughing all over the place. There are only so many places that one can wipe his mucus on. I hope I didn't get anyone sick. Well, actually I don't, because I only care about myself. TEE HEE!
I found this great website. It has stories sent in from workers who have to deal with stupid customers. It made me question the intelligence of human beings. Read this one.
Now there's some seasonal flu going around, in addition to swine flu. People are dropping like flies, left and right, up and down, in and out, upside down, round and round.
I caught something and got sick on Tuesday after getting home from tuition. I felt fine at first except for a runny nose, then I read the newspaper in the car and got really dizzy. Then I went in to tuition and sat under the air-conditioner at full blast, constantly sneezing and having shit leaking out of my nose. After I got home, I got a fever, felt light-headed, my legs were numb, and I was sneezing and coughing non stop. I couldn't sleep at all and kept tossing and turning for 2 hours until midnight. I couldn't take it anymore so I went downstairs, swallowed a Panadol, got back to bed and immediately fell asleep. Painkillers solve everything.
The next morning I felt better, but then it started raining tigers and wolves. I spent the whole day sneezing and coughing all over the place. There are only so many places that one can wipe his mucus on. I hope I didn't get anyone sick. Well, actually I don't, because I only care about myself. TEE HEE!
I found this great website. It has stories sent in from workers who have to deal with stupid customers. It made me question the intelligence of human beings. Read this one.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Strange dream
Last night, I had a dream about Michael Jackson's death. I was actually there, like a floating ball of invisible energy, viewing it like a movie. Except he wasn't in bed, and he didn't die from a heart attack. He was resting on a lawn chair in front of his house, reading a magazine.
Suddenly, this guy with a large handgun walked over. Michael seemed to be completely oblivious to him. Then, the guy walked behind Michael and shot him in the head. It was horrible. There was blood and brain matter all over the place.
I think it was because I had read about Michael suspected of being murdered in the newspaper that day, and my twisted mind pieced together random shit. But I don't think it was what really happened. If there was a gaping hole in his head I'm pretty sure somebody would have noticed.
Suddenly, this guy with a large handgun walked over. Michael seemed to be completely oblivious to him. Then, the guy walked behind Michael and shot him in the head. It was horrible. There was blood and brain matter all over the place.
I think it was because I had read about Michael suspected of being murdered in the newspaper that day, and my twisted mind pieced together random shit. But I don't think it was what really happened. If there was a gaping hole in his head I'm pretty sure somebody would have noticed.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was very disappointed and pissed off when I learned that the government wants to revert to teaching Math and Science is BM. This sudden turn of events has convinced me that all the WRONG people are controlling our country. Anyone with half a brain could figure out that this is the single most idiotic thing that they could have done, because they are basically destroying the future of the children of Malaysia, and ultimately the country itself.
First off, could you imagine learning Science in BM? It was created in English, for English and sponsored by English. All they are doing is turning it into cheap pirated copies by changing the spelling and pronunciation slightly.
oxygen=oksigen
carbon dioxide=karbon dioksida
hydrogen=hidrogen
Oh, how helpful! With such brilliant tactics, nothing will stop Malaysia from dominating the global Science industry! Nothing!! BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
You may or may not have detected a hint of sarcasm from that previous statement. Anyway, if they really want to translate everything, why not go all out? These are basically still the same words. They should completely change all the terms!
oksygen=gadujolang
carbon dioxide=lupatokserai
hydrogen=catakaranafalasapadacanabayabagagagagaga
Now all we need is a clone army and a fleet of Imperial Star Destroyers we can take over the planet.
On a more serious note, my point is that teaching Science and Math in BM is completely pointless. Once they go to college everything will be taught in English. Then they need to spend 2 weeks translating all the terms that they have learned in the past 5 years. Here is a chart to explain things more clearly.
Rest of the world (All terms written in English)---Education Ministry (Translate terms to BM. Millions of ringgit do down the tube)---School (Syllabus taught in BM)---College (syllabus taught in English. Thousands of students dropout after first week because they have no idea what the hell the lecturer is saying)---Career (Does not exist. Women work as prostitutes. Men work as drug dealers.)---Country (does down craphole)
But of course, this is only a worst case scenario. All the rich children will study in International Schools and become successful, while the poor who cannot afford to learn CORRECTLY will act as the labour force of the country, thus reducing our dependence on foreign workers. How brilliant.
Of course, I am not trying to insult or demean the Malay language. Their language is beautiful in some ways and I might enjoy studying it more if the words weren't so damn freaking long. If this blog was written in BM my keyboard will probably crack. But the government must keep in mind that Malaysia isn't living in a world of its own. We have to compete with 200 other countries who are wrestling to control a slice of that pie that is the Global Economy.
Right now, all the countries are communicating in English, because America (filled with white people) is the top dog despite the inferior quality of their cars. Malaysia isn't all that big either. It's not even bigger than Singapore, a country so puny some people neglect to draw it on maps. In terms of landmass, maybe. But in terms of "mula", not so much. As Confuscius once said, "unless the ant can beat up the elephant, he will have to walk behind him". Okay, maybe he didn't actually say that, but you get the point.
If we only spoke in one language, we would basically be cut of from the rest of the world. Malaysian scientists will no longer be able to communicate with the big guys and we'll slowly fall behind. After twenty years, when overweight couch potatoes are riding around in their self-driving hoversofas, we'll still be stuck driving "automobiles", or "motorized air polluting garbage cans" as they will be known as in the future. UNLESS, we somehow convince the rest of the planet to communicate in BM. Considering that our "leaders" still continuously bicker like hyperactive school children, I doubt that's going to happen anytime soon.
Now I will directly criticize the politicians who implemented this idea. How exciting! They repeatedly say that PPSMI was a failure. You ask the thousands of youths who studied under this policy and they will probably tell you how much it has benefited them and prepared them for tertiary education. Unfortunately, these people are the minority compared to the millions of lazy rural students who bitch and complain because it's too "hard". Aww. Dus da widdle baby have a widdle booboo? Maybe he need his nappy wappy changed? BITE ME!
The only problems happen to surface in rural schools. The teachers and instructors there are highly incompetent, and barley understand any English, yet they are authorized to teach Math and Science. Who authorized them to teach in the first place? *points finger* Either the Education Ministry trains the incompetent teachers more intensively, or just fire their sorry asses! If they don't value education and knowledge then why the hell did they become teachers in the first place? Stop blaming the policy, get off your fat, lazy asses, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!
They also complain that the rural students are struggling to learn. This is because their English is not good. Coincidentally, the government is going to implement a policy to improve their English, by increasing the number of periods, improving the syllabus, and hiring better teachers. Yay! Our asses are saved! But wait, they are only introducing this plan AFTER they revert to teaching Math and Science in BM! How stupid! They are fixing the WRONG problem!
Why didn't they stick with the plan to improve English, and continue with PPSMI? This would solve the problem, and not ruin the future of the country at the same time. Instead of killing 2 birds with one stone, they decide to let the birds crap on their heads. The moment they finally decide to do something about it, they do something else to ruin everything.
Why do the rural folk complain despite the many benefits of learning in English? This is because most of these people have little hope of being successful. Unlike city folk, they are dead broke and can barely afford tertiary education. Why do they continue to live in poverty? *points finger* The only hope these students have is to study their asses off and earn a scholarship. Only a handful will make it, and in the long term this is hardly worth anyone's time. They think "Why should I study hard if I have no chance of succeeding?". This is why the poor always stay poor, and the rich keep getting richer, further dividing the nation.
How come they never stopped to consider the opinions of city folk, who prefer to study and converse in BM? I always thought that they prefer to support the rich and powerful, because we are the main source of "duit kopi", but I guess that isn't something you can count on. ANYTHING can go wrong here.
If they are not after our bribes, they are obviously after the votes of rural folk, who as you can see, clearly outnumber us city folk. Please refer to my article on "overpopulation". How can they do something so stupid, and claim it's not a political issue? There could only be one logical explanation that they would do this, and that is to gain more votes. The only other explanation is that they are a bunch of retarded basketcases. Unfortunately, none of those explanations provide a very good appraisal of the state of Malaysia's politics.
Instead of improving the English of rural children, they decide to downgrade the English of the entire country, so that everything is "uniform" and "equal". This is just plain lazy and stupid. Let me explain this in an analogy. There are two groups of people in our country, the city folk and the rural folk. Lets say the city folk are represented by this guy:
The rural folk are represented by this guy:
And the government is represented by this guy:
So, Bolt and Homer are competing in a race. A race for a brighter future! Bolt doesn't really need it. He just wants to show off. Obviously, Bolt "bolts" of into the horizon, leaving Homer choking on his Olympic, Jamaican dust. Homer pants and wheezes trying to catch up. Megatron does not like this at all. He has obsessive-compulsive disorder and demands that they are both running at an equal pace, or he will obliterate the planet. So he takes out his fusion cannon and shoots Bolt in the leg. Ouch. Finally Homer catches up with him. But now he's beating Bolt, who can't even get up on account of his leg being a bloody, smoking stump. This is unacceptable. Megatron solves this problem by blasting off Homer's leg. Now both of them are lying on the track groaning in pain and quickly bleeding to death, neither of them able to finish the race. Megatron is very satisfied.
You might wonder, why didn't Megatron just train Homer by putting him on a treadmill and dangling a jelly-filled doughnut in front of him, or at least replace his legs with cybernetic implants so he can run as fast as Bolt? If you ask that, you aren't thinking like an impatient, warmongering dictator such as Megatron. The main objective is to make sure they both run at an equal pace, and obviously crippling them is the easiest, fastest solution. Why should an impatient, warmongering dictator give a damn about their well-being? It's hardly something for him to be concerned about. Use your brain, you little master monkey.
If you didn't understand any of that, screw you.
Luckily for me, I would have graduated the moment they implement this reversal. Suck that, juniors! Good luck learning the periodic table in BM! BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!! I think it was predetermined by heaven that I would be born at such a time that I would be able to receive proper English education. This obviously means that I am destined for greatness. Maybe I'll become a spokesperson for Carl's Jr. For now, lets all hold a silent prayer to mourn for the hopes and dreams of Malaysia's children. May they rest in peace. *sniff*
First off, could you imagine learning Science in BM? It was created in English, for English and sponsored by English. All they are doing is turning it into cheap pirated copies by changing the spelling and pronunciation slightly.
oxygen=oksigen
carbon dioxide=karbon dioksida
hydrogen=hidrogen
Oh, how helpful! With such brilliant tactics, nothing will stop Malaysia from dominating the global Science industry! Nothing!! BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!
You may or may not have detected a hint of sarcasm from that previous statement. Anyway, if they really want to translate everything, why not go all out? These are basically still the same words. They should completely change all the terms!
oksygen=gadujolang
carbon dioxide=lupatokserai
hydrogen=catakaranafalasapadacanabayabagagagagaga
Now all we need is a clone army and a fleet of Imperial Star Destroyers we can take over the planet.
On a more serious note, my point is that teaching Science and Math in BM is completely pointless. Once they go to college everything will be taught in English. Then they need to spend 2 weeks translating all the terms that they have learned in the past 5 years. Here is a chart to explain things more clearly.
Rest of the world (All terms written in English)---Education Ministry (Translate terms to BM. Millions of ringgit do down the tube)---School (Syllabus taught in BM)---College (syllabus taught in English. Thousands of students dropout after first week because they have no idea what the hell the lecturer is saying)---Career (Does not exist. Women work as prostitutes. Men work as drug dealers.)---Country (does down craphole)
But of course, this is only a worst case scenario. All the rich children will study in International Schools and become successful, while the poor who cannot afford to learn CORRECTLY will act as the labour force of the country, thus reducing our dependence on foreign workers. How brilliant.
Of course, I am not trying to insult or demean the Malay language. Their language is beautiful in some ways and I might enjoy studying it more if the words weren't so damn freaking long. If this blog was written in BM my keyboard will probably crack. But the government must keep in mind that Malaysia isn't living in a world of its own. We have to compete with 200 other countries who are wrestling to control a slice of that pie that is the Global Economy.
Right now, all the countries are communicating in English, because America (filled with white people) is the top dog despite the inferior quality of their cars. Malaysia isn't all that big either. It's not even bigger than Singapore, a country so puny some people neglect to draw it on maps. In terms of landmass, maybe. But in terms of "mula", not so much. As Confuscius once said, "unless the ant can beat up the elephant, he will have to walk behind him". Okay, maybe he didn't actually say that, but you get the point.
If we only spoke in one language, we would basically be cut of from the rest of the world. Malaysian scientists will no longer be able to communicate with the big guys and we'll slowly fall behind. After twenty years, when overweight couch potatoes are riding around in their self-driving hoversofas, we'll still be stuck driving "automobiles", or "motorized air polluting garbage cans" as they will be known as in the future. UNLESS, we somehow convince the rest of the planet to communicate in BM. Considering that our "leaders" still continuously bicker like hyperactive school children, I doubt that's going to happen anytime soon.
Now I will directly criticize the politicians who implemented this idea. How exciting! They repeatedly say that PPSMI was a failure. You ask the thousands of youths who studied under this policy and they will probably tell you how much it has benefited them and prepared them for tertiary education. Unfortunately, these people are the minority compared to the millions of lazy rural students who bitch and complain because it's too "hard". Aww. Dus da widdle baby have a widdle booboo? Maybe he need his nappy wappy changed? BITE ME!
The only problems happen to surface in rural schools. The teachers and instructors there are highly incompetent, and barley understand any English, yet they are authorized to teach Math and Science. Who authorized them to teach in the first place? *points finger* Either the Education Ministry trains the incompetent teachers more intensively, or just fire their sorry asses! If they don't value education and knowledge then why the hell did they become teachers in the first place? Stop blaming the policy, get off your fat, lazy asses, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!
They also complain that the rural students are struggling to learn. This is because their English is not good. Coincidentally, the government is going to implement a policy to improve their English, by increasing the number of periods, improving the syllabus, and hiring better teachers. Yay! Our asses are saved! But wait, they are only introducing this plan AFTER they revert to teaching Math and Science in BM! How stupid! They are fixing the WRONG problem!
Why didn't they stick with the plan to improve English, and continue with PPSMI? This would solve the problem, and not ruin the future of the country at the same time. Instead of killing 2 birds with one stone, they decide to let the birds crap on their heads. The moment they finally decide to do something about it, they do something else to ruin everything.
Why do the rural folk complain despite the many benefits of learning in English? This is because most of these people have little hope of being successful. Unlike city folk, they are dead broke and can barely afford tertiary education. Why do they continue to live in poverty? *points finger* The only hope these students have is to study their asses off and earn a scholarship. Only a handful will make it, and in the long term this is hardly worth anyone's time. They think "Why should I study hard if I have no chance of succeeding?". This is why the poor always stay poor, and the rich keep getting richer, further dividing the nation.
How come they never stopped to consider the opinions of city folk, who prefer to study and converse in BM? I always thought that they prefer to support the rich and powerful, because we are the main source of "duit kopi", but I guess that isn't something you can count on. ANYTHING can go wrong here.
If they are not after our bribes, they are obviously after the votes of rural folk, who as you can see, clearly outnumber us city folk. Please refer to my article on "overpopulation". How can they do something so stupid, and claim it's not a political issue? There could only be one logical explanation that they would do this, and that is to gain more votes. The only other explanation is that they are a bunch of retarded basketcases. Unfortunately, none of those explanations provide a very good appraisal of the state of Malaysia's politics.
Instead of improving the English of rural children, they decide to downgrade the English of the entire country, so that everything is "uniform" and "equal". This is just plain lazy and stupid. Let me explain this in an analogy. There are two groups of people in our country, the city folk and the rural folk. Lets say the city folk are represented by this guy:
And the government is represented by this guy:
So, Bolt and Homer are competing in a race. A race for a brighter future! Bolt doesn't really need it. He just wants to show off. Obviously, Bolt "bolts" of into the horizon, leaving Homer choking on his Olympic, Jamaican dust. Homer pants and wheezes trying to catch up. Megatron does not like this at all. He has obsessive-compulsive disorder and demands that they are both running at an equal pace, or he will obliterate the planet. So he takes out his fusion cannon and shoots Bolt in the leg. Ouch. Finally Homer catches up with him. But now he's beating Bolt, who can't even get up on account of his leg being a bloody, smoking stump. This is unacceptable. Megatron solves this problem by blasting off Homer's leg. Now both of them are lying on the track groaning in pain and quickly bleeding to death, neither of them able to finish the race. Megatron is very satisfied.
You might wonder, why didn't Megatron just train Homer by putting him on a treadmill and dangling a jelly-filled doughnut in front of him, or at least replace his legs with cybernetic implants so he can run as fast as Bolt? If you ask that, you aren't thinking like an impatient, warmongering dictator such as Megatron. The main objective is to make sure they both run at an equal pace, and obviously crippling them is the easiest, fastest solution. Why should an impatient, warmongering dictator give a damn about their well-being? It's hardly something for him to be concerned about. Use your brain, you little master monkey.
If you didn't understand any of that, screw you.
Luckily for me, I would have graduated the moment they implement this reversal. Suck that, juniors! Good luck learning the periodic table in BM! BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!! I think it was predetermined by heaven that I would be born at such a time that I would be able to receive proper English education. This obviously means that I am destined for greatness. Maybe I'll become a spokesperson for Carl's Jr. For now, lets all hold a silent prayer to mourn for the hopes and dreams of Malaysia's children. May they rest in peace. *sniff*
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Don't worry, be fatty.
Just the other day I saw this fashion ad In Tesco. At least I think it was a Tesco. My mind doesn't register memory very well. I looked at the model and I was like, DAMN! That's one malnourished bitch! She was nothing but skin, bones, and hideous hairdo. A typical, modern fashion model. Then I started wondering why is it that people are actually starving themselves just to look like a Halloween costume?
I remember a quote from Daniel Meade in Ugly Betty who stated that a models are merely hangers for clothes. This seems to be quite true in many ways. The whole point of an ad is to convince people to BUY that particular piece of clothing, not hump the model. To do this, they only select the most sexually unappealing (skinny) people they can find.
To prove my point, Michael Bay says he "doesn't like skinny girls". That's why he made Megan Fox eat like a pig before filming Transformers. Michael Bay is always right, because he demands only the highest quality of awesomeness.
Obviously they want you to focus on the item, not the model. So they put all kinds hideous make up all over the models' face so they look just like zombies. You know, pale skin, dark rings around the eyes, etc. They are also told to display zombie-like expressions instead of smiling like a normal person. Their hair is designed to look extremely hideous while at the same time, strangely elegant. In fact, you end up feeling quite uncomfortable looking at the model, so you shift your focus onto something more visually appealing, say that black dress she's wearing. See my so called "point"?
If they want their models to look like corpses, why don't they just use an actual dead person to save money? That's because dead bodies can't pose on their own. They would just hang there and flop around in the wind. A person would be needed to manipulate the corpse in various poses, or at least install strings on the limbs so they can control it like a puppet.
Of course, nobody wants to spend the rest of their lives touching rotting human flesh, so hiring assistants could be quite problematic. Plus, ads featuring corpses wearing designer dresses might not sit so well with the public. Children will wet their pants and old people will die from heart attacks. Vultures might even start circling billboards and drop large piles of shit all over passing cars. This is also why they don't pick ugly people to do modeling.
And more importantly, corpses can't model for fashion shows because they can't even move. Some unlucky intern would have to hold and manipulate the body from behind while dragging it across the catwalk. That would be very unpleasant for everyone in the room. Either that, or install puppet strings and manipulate it from above the stage. But that would result in the audience panicking, thinking that a zombie is trying to kill them. And once people get used to the idea, they would be severely unprepared for an actual zombie attack.
"Hey look a supermodel! Somebody take my pic...AARGH! MY BRAIN!"
The trick is to create a cross between a skeleton and a living human that is slightly bearable to look at, i.e, a fashion model.
Why can't
But if they want people to focus on the clothing, why bother using any models at all? Why don't just throw a bunch of dresses all over the floor and take photos? That's because people are insecure. They demand to know what the clothing would look like on themselves, so a human would have to be used to model This is also why boutique owners bother spending money buying fake plastic humans to display items.
When a fashion model is modeling clothes, you get a nice, perfect balance of attention between the clothing and the model themselves. Sadly, this "balance" comes at a heavy cost. Most models end up being extremely malnourished, and prone to fainting at the drop of a cat. Modeling is a highly physically demanding profession. They work long hours, consisting mostly of
Come to think of it, I think models are so freaking skinny so designers can save money on the amount of fabric and material used to make their dresses. Plus, feeding them would be dirt cheap! They only need to absorb water vapour from the air and eat parking receipts. What evil genius came up with this multi-billion dollar scam?!
Disclaimer: Most of the above "theories" are not based on actual information, but a quote I remembered from a television show combined with random thoughts from my head.
Young girls think that if they become as skinny as those models, they can become rich, famous and "beautiful". Popular(skinny) kids tease the fat kids despite the risk of being beaten up. Children actually develop eating disorders and low self esteem, sink into severe depression, and swallow bottles of sleeping pills because of this. And for what? Those models don't even look happy. Most of them look like they're on the verge of pouncing on the photographer and shoving the camera up his ass. Or maybe that's the expression they're going for. I'm not quite sure.
And what about all this "liposuction" crap? A doctor who may or may not have a license sticks a vacuum tube into your abdomen and sucks out parts of your body while you're high on drugs. Then you become 15,000$ poorer. There is another cheaper, healthier, safer, more natural, less invasive and more importantly, cheaper alternative known as "eating a balanced diet and exercising". Liposuction is only for the rich and the lazy.
Remember, don't let people tell you what you should be, and definitely don't let the FASHION INDUSTRY influence your life. HAHAHA! What the hell do they know? You are fine just the way you are, unless you weigh more than 200 pounds. In which case you are not fine. Put down that tub of ice-cream. You might spill some on your computer.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Eye Contact?
Why is it that we automatically look at a person's eyes when we communicate with him? What form of information could you possibly gain from looking at a ball of white slime? Eye contact is actually quite an important aspect of social behaviour, which I will now explain in this stupid, retarded very educational article.
By looking at a person's eyes, you can gain hints about their current emotional state, mood, thoughts, etc. If a person is giving you "the look", he is possibly plotting to beat and strangle you to death. You must be prepared to counter any form of reaction, be it a punch in the nose or the "groin claw". If he is staring at you wide-eyed, mouth open, it means your head is on fire but he just doesn't want to tell you in case you end up feeling embarrassed.
Eye contact can also be a from of flirting. This is also known as "eye sex", a term coined by...me. Strong lustful glances between two people, if done right, can stir up powerful passionate feelings equivalent to eating a chocolate bar. However, this can easily backfire when attempted upon strangers while "trying too hard" at the same time. Said stranger might possibly interpret your incessant perverted staring as a sign of future sexual assault before deploying pepper spray upon your perverted eyeballs, you pervert.
This can also work for you the other way around. You can tell what a person intends to "do" to you just by looking at their eyes. If you're a small hetero guy and that large 300 pound body builder is staring at your crotch, you better run for your freaking life.
Eye contact is also useful in determining where a person's attention lies. If the person whom you are having a conversation with occasionally glances at that warm pile of pigeon crap steaming on the sidewalk under the sun, it probably means he has lost interest in your speech and is trying to remember what he ate for lunch 12 week ago.
It might be a good idea to shift the focus of the conversation to suit a more interesting subject, or deliver a good hard blow to his face. Slapping someone in the face is the best way to gain his attention. Or, you could suddenly scream "BOO!!" midway during the conversation. This might be quite effective, and even amusing for both parties if it wasn't prone to causing heart attacks to occur. Your safest bet is to just slap him hard in the face. This way, you'll only be charged for assault instead of manslaughter.
Did know you can actually answer questions better when NOT maintaining eye contact? It turns out that staring at someone's face is very mentally demanding and makes it more difficult for you to think. That's why people tend to babble like idiots when talking with people whom they find attractive. If you don't want to look like an nutcase when speaking to that hot girl you like, look up into the sky or at the ground. Or just keep your eyes closed. She probably won't even notice.
Some animals interpret eye contact as a signal of aggression. If you stare directly at a monkey's eyes, it WILL bite off your nose. This has already happened to me four times and it WILL happen to YOU, unless you take the Monkey Prevention Course. With only 5 easy payments of 99.95$, you too, can learn to protect you and your family from feral monkeys in only 4 lessons. Make the world a safer, monkey-free environment for your children, because they're the ones who will pay for your retirement home when you're old, weak, and have to crap in a diaper.
By looking at a person's eyes, you can gain hints about their current emotional state, mood, thoughts, etc. If a person is giving you "the look", he is possibly plotting to beat and strangle you to death. You must be prepared to counter any form of reaction, be it a punch in the nose or the "groin claw". If he is staring at you wide-eyed, mouth open, it means your head is on fire but he just doesn't want to tell you in case you end up feeling embarrassed.
Eye contact can also be a from of flirting. This is also known as "eye sex", a term coined by...me. Strong lustful glances between two people, if done right, can stir up powerful passionate feelings equivalent to eating a chocolate bar. However, this can easily backfire when attempted upon strangers while "trying too hard" at the same time. Said stranger might possibly interpret your incessant perverted staring as a sign of future sexual assault before deploying pepper spray upon your perverted eyeballs, you pervert.
This can also work for you the other way around. You can tell what a person intends to "do" to you just by looking at their eyes. If you're a small hetero guy and that large 300 pound body builder is staring at your crotch, you better run for your freaking life.
Eye contact is also useful in determining where a person's attention lies. If the person whom you are having a conversation with occasionally glances at that warm pile of pigeon crap steaming on the sidewalk under the sun, it probably means he has lost interest in your speech and is trying to remember what he ate for lunch 12 week ago.
It might be a good idea to shift the focus of the conversation to suit a more interesting subject, or deliver a good hard blow to his face. Slapping someone in the face is the best way to gain his attention. Or, you could suddenly scream "BOO!!" midway during the conversation. This might be quite effective, and even amusing for both parties if it wasn't prone to causing heart attacks to occur. Your safest bet is to just slap him hard in the face. This way, you'll only be charged for assault instead of manslaughter.
Did know you can actually answer questions better when NOT maintaining eye contact? It turns out that staring at someone's face is very mentally demanding and makes it more difficult for you to think. That's why people tend to babble like idiots when talking with people whom they find attractive. If you don't want to look like an nutcase when speaking to that hot girl you like, look up into the sky or at the ground. Or just keep your eyes closed. She probably won't even notice.
Some animals interpret eye contact as a signal of aggression. If you stare directly at a monkey's eyes, it WILL bite off your nose. This has already happened to me four times and it WILL happen to YOU, unless you take the Monkey Prevention Course. With only 5 easy payments of 99.95$, you too, can learn to protect you and your family from feral monkeys in only 4 lessons. Make the world a safer, monkey-free environment for your children, because they're the ones who will pay for your retirement home when you're old, weak, and have to crap in a diaper.
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